dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
