I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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