i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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