You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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