ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
