There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
