I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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