Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
