I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
