The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i came on her dog
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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