Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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