her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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