my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
