Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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