Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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