So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize