I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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