make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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