why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
