I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
