I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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