you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It was confusing and full of hummus
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
