Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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