At least make sure they are 18
Why
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
