I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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