Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
