I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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