My first STD was from a foam party
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
