my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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