we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
