Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
