New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize