Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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