I am puke
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
