When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
