what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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