I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
