Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
