You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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