My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
