I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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