But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
