I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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