girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
