"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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