went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
