shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
