he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Im part way to drunk.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
