Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize