And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
