whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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