I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
