She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
