I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
