Have you finally orgasmed yet?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So squirting runs in the family.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
