dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
