dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
