I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
