you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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