Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Those nachos came to me in a dream
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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