I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
