Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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