we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize