but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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