im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
