Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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