Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize