I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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