i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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