1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
