As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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