I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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