Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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