Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
