I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
