he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
