I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
